Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
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The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
*pronounces fake like saké*
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?