Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
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Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
Mission: Impossible
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.