@internetluke: [police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
"Why no pants on?"
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
@weismanjake: My cat just walked by me carrying a toy mouse I don't remember buying her. Women be shoppin!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
@Ivsy01: Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you're outside and they walk by.
@TheThomason: Finally got the "Josh Duggar is good" neck tattoo I've wanted for years, now let me just read today's news as I take a large sip of water...
@Hormonella: Twitter is the new flypaper.
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