@LackOfShame: Nothing's sadder than the look on my dog's face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
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@RickNothing: "Never go to bed angry" is the worst advice ever. I haven't slept in eleven years.
@SirEviscerate: Sorry the edible underwear weren't edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
@maisonwithapen: sorry I'm late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
@WilliamAder: I don't think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, "Where are your pants?"
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