@LackOfShame: Nothing's sadder than the look on my dog's face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
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@im_not_smug: Coworker: That's a stupid song Me: Your face is stupid Coworker: Way to be mature Me: YOUR FACE IS MATURE!!
@nachosarah: when I see a girl tie a cherry stem with her tongue I put a whole fish in my mouth and pull out the skeleton then I leave with her boyfriend
@BuckyIsotope: [on game show] Choose a door for a goat or a new car "I'll take door #2" You've won the car! *sees it's a Kia* "Can I have the goat instead"