Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
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*ernest hemingway voice*
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.