Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
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Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
There’s no “us” in nachos.
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.