Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
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[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
selena gomez
I’m not proud
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve