Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
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Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
My birth announcement for our third baby
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
I love wikipedia
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
i now pronounce you bounced.
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.