*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
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Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
Namaste
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…