[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
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Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?