[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
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*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in