*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
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He’s dead
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?