*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
You Might Also Like
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
incredible book dedication
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No