6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
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My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
3% human
97% stress
*pronounces woah like Noah*
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
🍛
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño