DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
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In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?