Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
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Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they鈥檙e like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You鈥檇 be cancelled
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that鈥檚 not my name and I think you鈥檝e had enough.
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
Said the murderer.
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 馃槙
No, I don鈥檛 think I will.
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
Hotels are back
[eating cookie] let鈥檚 get ready to crumblllllllle
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won鈥檛 buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that