What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
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I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?