*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
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*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
Baller is short for ballerina
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
PER MY LAST EMAIL
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.