*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
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It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
Me too 😆
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute