*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
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I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.