me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
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Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
Name another movie that mislead you?
I need this for my side hustle.
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…