wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
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who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
still the best tweet of the year by far
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”