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museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program