@HeyZeus666: Now 91 is waving his diaper over his head while 86 is running down the street naked with 79's pants. Working in the old folks home is hard.
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@dlockw21: Cashier: Going snorkeling huh? Me: Yeah. Should be fun. Cashier: Watch out for sea snakes. Me: Hi, I'd like to return these.
@ajax06: No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
@dafloydsta: [couples therapy] HER: He's always talking down to me ME: *heavy sigh* It's called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
@ConanOBrien: I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.