Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
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When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs