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I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
Finally, a door that understands me
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel