Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
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6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀