I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
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“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer: