“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
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When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”