Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
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If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*