Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
You Might Also Like
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
peak technology
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year