Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
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“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.