Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
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Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
Hotels are back
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*