Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
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Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
I’m about to risk it all
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
Boom, boom, ching!
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen