Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
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My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
5 ways to appear taller
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?