Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
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One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know