Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
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My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
Alexa, make me look good naked.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny