@djdarrellripley: Now, if you all will excuse me I'm going into my closet and I'm not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist...
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@KeetPotato: me: "£4,000 for a beehive?" salesman: "sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that's only 50p each" me: [checking my wallet] "give me 3 bees"
@Mr_Kapowski: *hears a loud noise outside of bedroom door at night* *wife reaches over* "Honey- WHERE ARE YOU?" *already locked myself in the bathroom*
@That_Damn_Duck: At McDonalds Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
@Cravin4: Wife text from work on Easter. "Happy Easter" quick reply as joke "I'm going to grind on you so hard" opens text.Was group family text.truth