Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
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I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
*launders Kohls cash*
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.