Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
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me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅