[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
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Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
He just like my cat fr
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.