2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
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*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
This probably isn’t good
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
Sorry I made promises on Friday
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*