Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
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“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*