@WheelTod: Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
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@RorynotRoy: Spent all last night mouthing words to my dog to try and convince him that he'd gone deaf.
@bobvulfov: [after an accident on the ski slope] ME: did i nail the triple backflip PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
@jonnysun: [trying to do standup] u kno whats funy– [someone yells 'society!'] nno– [entire audience starts laughig] wait [audience laughs louder] stop
@sarcasticmommy4: One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.