Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
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My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
then why did i get this email
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
So inspired right now.
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys