If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
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Vodka burrito was a success
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those