@mrtruthandsoul: "Now officer, hear me out: alcohol is a depressant and cocaine is a stimulant. Therefore, mixed in equal parts, I'm basically sober!"
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@PaperWash: [calls work] I'm sorry I can't come into work today "is everything alright?" [getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
@realHamOnWry: Taylor Swift and Calvin Harris called it quits. But I am looking forward to her next album devoted to the break-up called 'Calvin and Sobs'.
@jbillinson: Obama: Tell Joe why he can't booby trap the White H- Biden: Now hold on a second, just know that no matter what you say I'm doing it anyways