Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
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Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting