Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
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I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
me: my friends:
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats