Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
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If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
Golf would be better with landmines.
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
This is my pinned tweet
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.