When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
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Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
Any refunds available?…
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.