@SpeakComedy: Now remember kids; if a stranger offers you drugs say thank you because drugs are expensive ;)
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@sarcasticmommy4: It isn't until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would've been a better option.
@ItsAndyRyan: "Whats your biggest weakness?" "I'm bad at taking compliments" "Actually that's quite endearing" *Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
@Rollinintheseat: Coworker: "How was your weekend?" Me: "You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions."