Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
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me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa