@SpeakComedy: Now remember kids; if a stranger offers you drugs say thank you because drugs are expensive ;)
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@IGotsSmarts: My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
@shesananteater: One day I'm gonna go to work without my glasses and they're gonna be like, "Who's that hottie?" and I'm gonna be like, "WHO IS SAYING THAT?"
@BackrowSeats: Don't dwell on bad things that happened in your past. Focus on the terrible things that'll happen tomorrow.
@Jeffwni: - "I love Beyoncé... - Whatever floats your boat mate. - No, you're thinking of 'buoyancy'. - ..."