I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
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EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?