@SpeakComedy: Now remember kids; if a stranger offers you drugs say thank you because drugs are expensive ;)
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@ConanOBrien: According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
@TheWoodenslurpy: [commercial for gymnastics] Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
@PellMull: I use these ( ... ) a lot. For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
@VerifiedDrunk: Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana