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I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
hi why am I like this
Ugh but profoundly
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.