Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
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The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?