Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
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When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
Your honor these allegations are
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
Bobby pin
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
This is a true ally.
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.