[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
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Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.