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@AmnesiaRose: "Now, tell me I'm pretty"
-me as a hypnotist
@UnFitz: Me: Hi, mom. I'm feeling tremendous guilt.
Me: Just thought I'd save you the effort.
@KatieBurnett: Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
@ch000ch: my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it's cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
@JohnLyonTweets: Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
@10InchesPlus: A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.