Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
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lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.