@dafloydsta: Now that Christmas is over, don't forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid's toys.
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@DanMentos: [at dentist] so your X-rays look grea- *phone rings* hold on *on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok so as I was saying you have several cavities
@thenatewolf: *I see a guy with a shark tooth necklace* ME: Holy shit, that's sharpest part of a shark. Who is this mysterious and brave hunk?
@girlontapas: I do things for others... Like when I'm drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
@doktorj: My house is like an Indiana Jones movie. Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.