Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
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A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
Muppet Screams
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably